Growing up I had the typical girl dreams. A big fancy wedding with prince charming, a cute little house in a quiet neighborhood, and a couple of kids and dogs. You know, an Ozzie and Harriet life. All was going as planned until shortly after Luke was born. Eric came to me one day and said he just didn't want to live the Ozzie and Harriet life. He said he wasn't sure what it looked like but the "cookie cutter" life wasn't what he saw for us. This left me to my own imagination and let me tell you that is not good! I had pictures of us living in straw huts, dirt floors in the middle of war torn Africa...with a baby! Let's just say, I did not receive his news well. I kept praying that God would either give me the same desire or destroy it in Eric's heart. Ok, the truth is, I prayed more for the second half than the first. BUT I also prayed for a different picture in both our hearts that still pushed our comfort zone.
After Luke safety turned one here in America ;-), Eric started talking about adopting. Quite frankly, I was not open to it. I was not ready for it. I wanted another biological child. You can't have Luke without a Silas. They go together. They were Paul's traveling partners. I don't know why I was so stubborn. I am sure fear had a lot to do with it. So, we soon had Silas. Ahh, Silas...I couldn't imagine my life without him! For as long as I could remember, I wanted to be a stay at home mom. I really wanted to be Harriet. Calm, cool, collected and sweet. Then I woke up. Have you ever had one of those days where you say..."I am not as good at this as I thought I would be"? Don't get me wrong. I loved being a mom and I loved staying home with my boys. Funny thing is...life is not a perfect TV show. Not Ozzie and Harriet, not the Cleavers, not even the Cosby's. Two kids seemed enough for us but I still had a nagging feeling for more. I had decided it would be nice to have more but Eric and I were just not made for a large family or even one more child.
Then we decided to homeschool. Now if you know anything about homeschooling, you know there are many large families. There it was in my face. All these super moms. I started putting mom's of more than 2 kids on a pedestal. Thinking "I wish I was made for that", "I wish I was a natural mother like her". I know it is wrong but those were my honest thoughts.
So after some years of talking more about adopting. We were on again, off again. It seemed never the right time or that we just weren't right for it. Then over night, we decided to go for it. Honestly, during this whole process I expected God to stop it because we were right from the beginning. We just weren't made for more. We were made to be Ozzie and Harriet. I would literally pray, "God, we are going to move forward with this unless you stop it" I prayed that so many times that I am sure God was annoyed. I guess I just couldn't believe that living outside of the Ozzie and Harriet life could be so easy...or at least so fun. This had to be a pipe dream.
Now, just days before we pick up our girls (#3 & #4 in our quiver), I am still in awe. I have even asked "God, did you forget to stop this earlier? We are a little too far now, right?" Maybe it is just the nature of adoption. The natural uncertainty dealing with governments. But I have had a hard time accepting that God had deemed me worthy of more children, to me the mother of these precious two girls that only deserve wonderful things after all they have been through. I know I will not always live up to what they deserve. Then God reminded me that Moses said the same thing before he lead Israel out of their captivity in Egypt. God doesn't want someone capable of doing it on their own. God wants the willing not the able. There is no glory for God if you don't need him every step of the way. So "God, don't bail on me now!" And I know He won't because He has lead this journey from the beginning of time. What a miserable mess I would be if it weren't for Him.
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11
After Luke safety turned one here in America ;-), Eric started talking about adopting. Quite frankly, I was not open to it. I was not ready for it. I wanted another biological child. You can't have Luke without a Silas. They go together. They were Paul's traveling partners. I don't know why I was so stubborn. I am sure fear had a lot to do with it. So, we soon had Silas. Ahh, Silas...I couldn't imagine my life without him! For as long as I could remember, I wanted to be a stay at home mom. I really wanted to be Harriet. Calm, cool, collected and sweet. Then I woke up. Have you ever had one of those days where you say..."I am not as good at this as I thought I would be"? Don't get me wrong. I loved being a mom and I loved staying home with my boys. Funny thing is...life is not a perfect TV show. Not Ozzie and Harriet, not the Cleavers, not even the Cosby's. Two kids seemed enough for us but I still had a nagging feeling for more. I had decided it would be nice to have more but Eric and I were just not made for a large family or even one more child.
Then we decided to homeschool. Now if you know anything about homeschooling, you know there are many large families. There it was in my face. All these super moms. I started putting mom's of more than 2 kids on a pedestal. Thinking "I wish I was made for that", "I wish I was a natural mother like her". I know it is wrong but those were my honest thoughts.
So after some years of talking more about adopting. We were on again, off again. It seemed never the right time or that we just weren't right for it. Then over night, we decided to go for it. Honestly, during this whole process I expected God to stop it because we were right from the beginning. We just weren't made for more. We were made to be Ozzie and Harriet. I would literally pray, "God, we are going to move forward with this unless you stop it" I prayed that so many times that I am sure God was annoyed. I guess I just couldn't believe that living outside of the Ozzie and Harriet life could be so easy...or at least so fun. This had to be a pipe dream.
Now, just days before we pick up our girls (#3 & #4 in our quiver), I am still in awe. I have even asked "God, did you forget to stop this earlier? We are a little too far now, right?" Maybe it is just the nature of adoption. The natural uncertainty dealing with governments. But I have had a hard time accepting that God had deemed me worthy of more children, to me the mother of these precious two girls that only deserve wonderful things after all they have been through. I know I will not always live up to what they deserve. Then God reminded me that Moses said the same thing before he lead Israel out of their captivity in Egypt. God doesn't want someone capable of doing it on their own. God wants the willing not the able. There is no glory for God if you don't need him every step of the way. So "God, don't bail on me now!" And I know He won't because He has lead this journey from the beginning of time. What a miserable mess I would be if it weren't for Him.
Exodus 3
Moses and the Burning Bush
1 Now Moses was tending the flock of Jethro his father-in-law, the priest of Midian, and he led the flock to the far side of the wilderness and came to Horeb, the mountain of God. 2 There the angel of the LORD appeared to him in flames of fire from within a bush. Moses saw that though the bush was on fire it did not burn up. 3 So Moses thought, “I will go over and see this strange sight—why the bush does not burn up.” 4 When the LORD saw that he had gone over to look, God called to him from within the bush, “Moses! Moses!”
And Moses said, “Here I am.”
5 “Do not come any closer,” God said. “Take off your sandals, for the place where you are standing is holy ground.” 6 Then he said, “I am the God of your father,[a] the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac and the God of Jacob.” At this, Moses hid his face, because he was afraid to look at God.
7 The LORD said, “I have indeed seen the misery of my people in Egypt. I have heard them crying out because of their slave drivers, and I am concerned about their suffering. 8 So I have come down to rescue them from the hand of the Egyptians and to bring them up out of that land into a good and spacious land, a land flowing with milk and honey—the home of the Canaanites, Hittites, Amorites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites. 9 And now the cry of the Israelites has reached me, and I have seen the way the Egyptians are oppressing them. 10 So now, go. I am sending you to Pharaoh to bring my people the Israelites out of Egypt.”
11 But Moses said to God, “Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?”
12 And God said, “I will be with you. And this will be the sign to you that it is I who have sent you: When you have brought the people out of Egypt, you[b] will worship God on this mountain.”
13 Moses said to God, “Suppose I go to the Israelites and say to them, ‘The God of your fathers has sent me to you,’ and they ask me, ‘What is his name?’ Then what shall I tell them?”
14 God said to Moses, “I AM WHO I AM.[c] This is what you are to say to the Israelites: ‘I AM has sent me to you.’”
15 God also said to Moses, “Say to the Israelites, ‘The LORD,[d] the God of your fathers—the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac and the God of Jacob—has sent me to you.’
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11
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