Heroes

For my boys.

Google defines hero as:

/ˈhi(ə)rō/

Noun A person, typically a man, who is admired for courage or noble qualities. The chief male character in a book, play, or movie, who is typically identified with good qualities.

What a pathetic definition!  Two of my heroes don't fit that description.  They are not men, far from courageous and nobility, maybe.  My boys.  Of course, these two had my heart the moment I laid eyes on them but the joy I get in discovering who God made them to be is an adventure I look forward to each day.  They are truly my heroes.  These boys have a heart like Christ and for that they have my admiration.  If I had to walk a day in their shoes, I am sure I would be pouting in the corner, demanding for life to go back to normal! Oh, wait, I AM doing that on most days! These boys had their world turned upside down when we adopted the girls.  Adoption was a decision that we made as a family.  From day one, the boys were anxious to get the girls home.  We spent a lot of time trying to prepare them for how life would change when the girls came home.  Of course, we could only prepare them so much as we were not sure what to expect ourselves.  Silas would often come out of no where and say, "I wish I could just get on a plane and go get the girls!"  This was before he had even seen their faces.  Luke would often ask to watch the video of them over and over.  However, life since bringing the girls home, has not been sunshine and roses!  In the past 15 months, the boys have been short changed more times than I would ever want to admit.  They have been neglected, kicked out of their room (not really so bad since it turned into getting their own little bachelor pad!), lost freedoms, been yelled at, called names, hit and blamed.  They lost their calm, cool and collected parents for two grown babies who were crying, pouting, angry, and depressed about life (don't worry...we have recovered!  ;-) )  How does all this show me Christ in their hearts?  In a moment of revelation or pure insanity, (still deciding which one), Eric and I started discussing the possibility of adopting again.  Like I said, I am not clear on whether it is insanity or a revelation from God...He is going to have to be more clear and direct with me!  So we decided to ask the boys what they thought in total anticipation of them laughing in our faces.  Their responses brings tears to my eyes and draws me to my knees in repentance.  Luke's response:  "That would be awesome.  We would have another kid to play our games (games they made up to play with their sisters. Which turns out is all 4 of their favorite things to do), another person to play legos, baseball, sports and stuff.  Sounds good!"  To press for his real opinion we mentioned getting less attention.  He said, "That's alright.  I get too much attention anyway!"  As he started to walk into the kitchen, he turned in a panic, "We need to get another chair!!"  I love that concern was on hospitality not on himself.    Silas's response was just as precious (and for those of you who know Silas well, you can totally hear him saying this).  "I think we should do it.  Every kid needs parents.  I mean, you know, where would I be without my parents?"  Oh, how I long to have a heart like that.  A selfless, caring, and open heart to God's call.  I don't know what I did to deserve such God honoring boys but I thank Jesus everyday for them.  Thank you boys for reminding me why Christ was born and who my heroes should resemble!  Merry Christmas!  P.S. Life is too busy to edit!  Sorry!

Reflections

For those of you not on facebook, shame on you!  No just kidding!  For those of you who choose not to waste countless hours on facebook like me, last Thursday marked the 1 year anniversary of getting our girls.  It has been a crazy year!  Filled with literal blood, sweat, and tears.  Some mine, some the girls'.  It was filled with many highs and lots of extreme lows.  However,"What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger", right?  I can certainly say we are stronger today than a year ago.

I have spent the last few days reflecting on the past year and what I pray this coming year will look like.  I couldn't help but see my a resemblance of my own spiritual adoption.  From day one, the girls have been excited to be ours.  The first time I saw the girls, I was met with a beautiful, brown haired girl running across the baby home grounds with her arms open wide yelling, "Mama, Mama!"  She was followed by a little blondie who just learned to walk but knew how to flash a million dollar smile.  Yet, they were scared and nervous the first day we took them away from the comfort of the baby home...all they had really known. In their hearts, they knew this was supposed to be better but was it, really?   There have been times I have been so hurt and angry by their inability to trust us and to love us.  I know many of you are probably saying, "Well, of course, look at what they have been through."  I thought those things too until I started to experience it on a daily basis.  Adoption is a very complex and delicate journey. It is a journey of ten steps forward, 9 1/2 back.   I knew there would be hard times but I didn't realize just how painful it would be for me.  There are times that Ari and Elli get into such a panic that they literally can't hear what I am trying to say to them.  I have to sit and hold them until they calm down, come back to reality and see that I am not going to hurt them.  (For the record, I do necessarily believe that they came from a baby home where violence was common or accepted...but I don't know.)  In the beginning this made sense to me.  However, after months and months of this I thought they would have learned I am not going to hurt them but instead I want to teach them what is right.  Call me what you want but honestly, it makes me angry and sad.    My selfish side thinks, "Really girls?  I have poured my heart and soul into you, sometimes at the detriment of the boys and this is how you treat me?"  Selfish, I know.  But then I realize, I do the same thing to God.  How often do we run to God with arms open wide ready for him to sweep us up and make it all good?  Yet when faced with tough times, times that draw us out of our comfort zone, we panic, throw a big fit or just pretend we don't hear/see what He is asking of us.  We know that God is good and cares for us deeply but we are sometimes forced to put that belief to the test and it scares the daylights out of us! (or me, at least.)  I, for one, know that I do this more often than I want to admit.  I am just so glad that God is more patient, slower to anger and can offer more love than I can!  The good news is that the girls are getting better at trusting us.  And we are all learning to trust God a little more each day.  I am so thankful for his patience!

Here is a little video I made of this first year for them.  Enjoy!

8 MONTHS CLOSER

WARNING:  This is long winded and unedited.  Due to the circumstances, it is the best that I can do.  The reason it has taken me so long to update!


Wow!  It has been way too long since I sat down to blog about our girls.  Long overdue, I know.  Needless to say, we have been a little occupied!

Where to start?  Well, we have had the girls home now for almost 8 months.  We have had our ups and downs, our moments of pure joy, pure exhaustion, and pure frustration.  But most of all...we...have...SURVIVED!  I was prepared for a lot of things.  I was very guarded against romanticizing the process of adoption.  I knew that the trauma and hurt of loosing your biological mother is so deep and complex that we would have a lot of healing to do.  I was prepared for going from man to man to a zone defense!  I knew adding two more kids would require more of my time, attention, and patience.  I knew we had covered this decision and process in prayer and thoughtfulness so God was leading us each step of the way.  What I wasn't prepared for, what no one really talks about because it is ugly, was the painful cleansing of my own heart.  I wasn't prepared to see the dark parts of my heart.  You know the ones.  The parts of us we think we have overcome, the parts we think we have control of or even the parts we thought we cleaned out for good.  The parts I would like to forget about!  I wasn't prepared for the grief I felt over loosing our family of four.  I really wanted to do this and I don't regret it at all.  I was prepared to deal with the girls grieving but not my own.  And to top it all off...a big dose of guilt.  Guilt for getting frustrated with the girls, guilt for longing for days with just the boys again, guilt for not knowing how to heal the girls.  Guilt for questioning God.

I wish I could say we have worked all this out but like the process of adoption, learning to love a complete stranger is also a process...a very complex process.  Don't get me wrong.  We love the girls and I believe the girls love us.  However, it is a growing, developing love that still needs time to mature in it's foundation.  And I am confident in that foundation because this was all founded on God.  With that being said let me highlight the joys we have had and the progress we have made.

I will start with Elli because she has made some amazing improvements.  But before I go into her progress, let me get on my soap box for a moment.  According to World Orphans, there are a staggering 163,000,000 orphans in the world.  While many people turn their noses up at us (many of whom would never adopt) because they think people who adopt should take any child...especially a special needs child.   Not one of them deserves a home more than another.  Each and everyone of those 163,000,000 children want and need a forever home, a mom and a dad.  So the next time you start to get judgmental about the choices adoptive parents make (i.e. domestic or international, male or female, healthy or special needs) remember God called them to this choice and he has already chosen a child for that family.  Unless you are smarter than God, you ought to be thankful for there being one less orphan in the world.  OK, off my soapbox and back to Elli. When we received her complete medicals in Russia, we were very concerned about her.  We had asked for our children to have nothing more than minor, correctable special needs but really wanted just healthy children.    See, we are self employed which means we are self insured.  So taking on a child with major medical issues was not in our or their best interest.  Elli was given to us with a hole in her heart, an troubling kidney issue that did not translate to English (so we weren't sure what we were dealing with) and a birth mark or defect on her Retina.  As well, she was super small (still is) and showed characteristic behaviors of Autism.  We decided that God had brought us these girls so we had to trust God that everything would work out.  When we returned home, we had all her issues checked out.  To our amazement, not one of the ailments were present!  We believe God was faithful and healed her completely.  She didn't test for autism and she didn't even qualify for First Steps for speech delays.  We can do nothing else but believe God had his hand in it all.

Looking back at pictures, it is hard to believe these are the same two little girls!  When we first met Elli, she had just learned to walk and she was on the move any chance she could get.  Typical, right?  What we later discovered is that she was really trying to get away from us!  She was so nervous.  We also thought she had a problem with her jaw because when she smiled it was always cocked to the side.  Again, we discovered later that this is a nervous habit.  Thankfully she now loves to smile and laugh.  She is super attached to her mama and has recently started loving on her papa.  She is quite a daredevil!  Nothing is unreachable!  She has no fear...except for the UPS truck...but only if it is coming up our hill.  She celebrated her 2nd birthday just 2 months after we got home.  She has been so much fun but I will say she deep into the terrible twos so we get to see her stubborn side quite a bit lately.  However, I told her the other day, "Sorry little one, you may be stubborn but God pick two of the most stubborn people in the world to be your mom and day."  We will survive!

Ari...sweet Ari.  Ari has made improvements, though hers have been smaller.  Of the two, she is definitely the more cautious.  She loves her daddy!  He certainly hangs the moon.  She has finally started wanting her mama more.  She has become more trusting of the furry, four legged creatures in our house.  However, she didn't seem to torn up that Jackson died (at least not like Luke, Silas and I...to be expected).  Funniest thing has been how terrified she was of our animals.  Why so funny?  We went to a friends house who have donkeys and horses.  She walked right up to them without an second thought!  She is completely obsessed with horses.  Dad is a little concerned about this passion...or at least about the expense of it!  Ari loves to sing and dance.  She loves all things girly.  Thank goodness for Grandma coming to paint her nails every once in a while!  She already has a strong opinion on what clothes she wants, how her hair should be and a strong need for accessories!  When we began preparing her for Christmas, we told her there would be presents, toys, cake, cookies, and candy.  She replies, "What about shoes?  Will I get new shoes?  New clothes?"  What am I going to do when she is a teenager?  I am SCARED!

Ari still has some major trust issues.  She asks a lot of questions!!!  Questions she already knows the answers to and some that make absolutely no sense at all.  This is her way to control her environment and calm her nerves.  We took the family to the beach in February and she did great.  I wasn't sure how she would handle the change but she seemed to roll with it the best she could.  Both girls loved Florida.  They love to swim!  

Mom & Dad had a relaxing time too!

Ari will celebrate her 4th birthday at the end of the month.  She asked for clothes, shoes and babies!

Throughout this entire process, Luke and Silas have been the most amazing, selfless boys!  They have embraced their sisters with love that can only come from Jesus.  They have been a true inspiration to me.  I need to love and accept openly just as they do.  Their patience has been tested and they have passed with flying colors.  I am so proud of them.  They love teaching the girls all kinds of new things and helping take a burden off mom and dad.  They will be awesome men and husbands one day.

Now we await the arrival of our new nephew/cousin from Lesotho.  Trent, Kristi and Samantha will be returning from South Africa at the end of the month with their adorable son/brother!  We all can't wait to meet him and love him into the family.