For those of you not on facebook, shame on you! No just kidding! For those of you who choose not to waste countless hours on facebook like me, last Thursday marked the 1 year anniversary of getting our girls. It has been a crazy year! Filled with literal blood, sweat, and tears. Some mine, some the girls'. It was filled with many highs and lots of extreme lows. However,"What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger", right? I can certainly say we are stronger today than a year ago.
I have spent the last few days reflecting on the past year and what I pray this coming year will look like. I couldn't help but see my a resemblance of my own spiritual adoption. From day one, the girls have been excited to be ours. The first time I saw the girls, I was met with a beautiful, brown haired girl running across the baby home grounds with her arms open wide yelling, "Mama, Mama!" She was followed by a little blondie who just learned to walk but knew how to flash a million dollar smile. Yet, they were scared and nervous the first day we took them away from the comfort of the baby home...all they had really known. In their hearts, they knew this was supposed to be better but was it, really? There have been times I have been so hurt and angry by their inability to trust us and to love us. I know many of you are probably saying, "Well, of course, look at what they have been through." I thought those things too until I started to experience it on a daily basis. Adoption is a very complex and delicate journey. It is a journey of ten steps forward, 9 1/2 back. I knew there would be hard times but I didn't realize just how painful it would be for me. There are times that Ari and Elli get into such a panic that they literally can't hear what I am trying to say to them. I have to sit and hold them until they calm down, come back to reality and see that I am not going to hurt them. (For the record, I do necessarily believe that they came from a baby home where violence was common or accepted...but I don't know.) In the beginning this made sense to me. However, after months and months of this I thought they would have learned I am not going to hurt them but instead I want to teach them what is right. Call me what you want but honestly, it makes me angry and sad. My selfish side thinks, "Really girls? I have poured my heart and soul into you, sometimes at the detriment of the boys and this is how you treat me?" Selfish, I know. But then I realize, I do the same thing to God. How often do we run to God with arms open wide ready for him to sweep us up and make it all good? Yet when faced with tough times, times that draw us out of our comfort zone, we panic, throw a big fit or just pretend we don't hear/see what He is asking of us. We know that God is good and cares for us deeply but we are sometimes forced to put that belief to the test and it scares the daylights out of us! (or me, at least.) I, for one, know that I do this more often than I want to admit. I am just so glad that God is more patient, slower to anger and can offer more love than I can! The good news is that the girls are getting better at trusting us. And we are all learning to trust God a little more each day. I am so thankful for his patience!
Here is a little video I made of this first year for them. Enjoy!
I have spent the last few days reflecting on the past year and what I pray this coming year will look like. I couldn't help but see my a resemblance of my own spiritual adoption. From day one, the girls have been excited to be ours. The first time I saw the girls, I was met with a beautiful, brown haired girl running across the baby home grounds with her arms open wide yelling, "Mama, Mama!" She was followed by a little blondie who just learned to walk but knew how to flash a million dollar smile. Yet, they were scared and nervous the first day we took them away from the comfort of the baby home...all they had really known. In their hearts, they knew this was supposed to be better but was it, really? There have been times I have been so hurt and angry by their inability to trust us and to love us. I know many of you are probably saying, "Well, of course, look at what they have been through." I thought those things too until I started to experience it on a daily basis. Adoption is a very complex and delicate journey. It is a journey of ten steps forward, 9 1/2 back. I knew there would be hard times but I didn't realize just how painful it would be for me. There are times that Ari and Elli get into such a panic that they literally can't hear what I am trying to say to them. I have to sit and hold them until they calm down, come back to reality and see that I am not going to hurt them. (For the record, I do necessarily believe that they came from a baby home where violence was common or accepted...but I don't know.) In the beginning this made sense to me. However, after months and months of this I thought they would have learned I am not going to hurt them but instead I want to teach them what is right. Call me what you want but honestly, it makes me angry and sad. My selfish side thinks, "Really girls? I have poured my heart and soul into you, sometimes at the detriment of the boys and this is how you treat me?" Selfish, I know. But then I realize, I do the same thing to God. How often do we run to God with arms open wide ready for him to sweep us up and make it all good? Yet when faced with tough times, times that draw us out of our comfort zone, we panic, throw a big fit or just pretend we don't hear/see what He is asking of us. We know that God is good and cares for us deeply but we are sometimes forced to put that belief to the test and it scares the daylights out of us! (or me, at least.) I, for one, know that I do this more often than I want to admit. I am just so glad that God is more patient, slower to anger and can offer more love than I can! The good news is that the girls are getting better at trusting us. And we are all learning to trust God a little more each day. I am so thankful for his patience!
Here is a little video I made of this first year for them. Enjoy!
You may or may not be aware of this, but we're considering adopting! Watching you guys' journey has challenged us to open our hearts and possibly our home. I think you're amazing! Cindy Biller :)
ReplyDeleteOh, Cindy, trust me! We are NOT amazing! (but thank you!) We are very human and FULL of sin! There is no sugar coating it. Adoption is hard. There are many days I feel like throwing in the towel! But just when I think I can't take anymore, Jesus comes through and brings me a morsel of hope again!
DeleteEric told me that you were thinking about adoption. We would love to talk to you about it sometime. However, if you want someone to paint a fairytale...it is not us! We had friends who adopted and I am so thankful she did not pull any punches with me. If she had, I would not have survived this first year. We will be praying for you and Mark on this big decision. We should get together soon! Traci